As we grow up, everything in this world changes simultaneously.
As changes take place, they happened so quietly, so unconciously, and so swiftly.
When one finally realises the differences, more often than not, what was left was just a nostalgic experience.
Just think, how often can one turn back time? Never.
We always hear people say, "people grow up", "thinking changes", and the most common of all, "the only constant in this world is in change itself".
Materially, I feel that life is much better than it was ten years ago.
But emotionally, I beg to differ.
When I was still a child, I danced, sang and expressed my feelings carefreely in front of my family and friends. Yes, there's embarrassments, hesitations and stuff as such, but they were never a major pull for me to do what I want. Because every child is inherently innocent and full of naivety. Everything that is given to a child, he/she cherishes. And for every mistakes made, a child knows that he/she will be forgiven ultimately. Basically, everything and everyone matters.
But now that I'm in my 20s, my super-ego self keeps restraining the way I behave. There's so many concerns, so many consequences and so many excuses. Why? Why are we restraining ourselves? Simply because we are worried of the consequences that may arise upon a particular action of ours?
Just look at the children, whatever mistakes they made, they don't remember them for long. Yes, they get into fights too, but they always become friends very soon after that. Adults are different. They think and analyse...and I mean they overdo it, including myself. They make assumptions...even choose to ignore sometimes. Avoidance theory, you may call it.
Sometimes, I don't see things eye to eye with my family and friends. Occasionally, it don't just happened on random matters but important ideologies. And we learnt, that ideologies are also changing all the time. Perspective itself is one area that make up an ideology. Priorities, needs, ways through which one gains satisfaction, goals, life stages and so on, too, affect an ideology.
Humans are such a complexing bunch of creatures. With that, there's different groups, different ideologies, many differences as changes take place. But of course, they are not mutually exclusive. It doesn't mean that if one has a particular ideology shared with a group of people, he/she is not entitled to share another ideology with another group. Sometimes they overlapped one another. But when extremists appear, there's only two ends.
I find myself in this bi-polar position with several love ones in my life right now.
We belong to a group because we used to share the same ideology (goals, likings etc). But as years pass by and as we change, our ideologies change because of the several factors mentioned earlier. Because of that nostalgic experience which our ids enjoy, there exist a struggle right now. Or maybe I should say many struggles? There's constant disagreements for the many differences exist, ocasional pleasures for the little similarities left, causing a regular pull and push effect on the relationship shared.
I'm frustrated.
I don't want the relationships to dwindle, because like I said, they are my love ones. Neither do I want the relationships to be based merely on the little and depreciating shared experience left after years of building up. Such relationship is artificial, shallow, and weak like a thread.
Of course, I do know that there'll be bound to be conflicts and differences somehow. After all, God made all of us unique in our own ways.
In as much as I know that I have unconditional love from Abba, I can't help feeling being neglected, loved lesser, used, manipulated, disregarded and treated less valuably. No, I'm not seeking for approvals from others. I just want an acknowledgement that God doesn't just plant a relationship in a person's life and left it to wither horribly. Just as the day always ends with a beautiful sunset, I want to write in my life book that all my relationships with my precious ones end with a "...and they lived happily ever after".
Lord, I have seen how real you are to me in my life in the past. Please Lord show me again that you are real and that you care for these relationships too. I don't want to feel that I've been shortchanged, or that I've been assigned wrongly into lives that I should not have entered in the first place. You said I lead a prosperous life, a reigning life...then show me how I can prosper these relationships, not be an obstruct to them. Show me Lord, that I lead a life with no regrets for letting you into my life. Because honestly, I feel no regrets now and I don't want to be proven wrong by the devils. And I commit these relationships into Your hands...that it will not be my works, but Yours, to restore, salvage and prosper every relationships that matters to me. My breakthrough comes through you Lord.
